I think some of the women who came forward first must be around the age I was when it happened to me. They didn’t know until they read the story in RS. They had nothing to do with what that other man did. Those hosts of the particular show I was on - they are good guys. I’ve never been able to listen to that episode. I thought I must be a stupid baby for still being so shaken up over something that had happened a decade prior. I honored my commitment and had a wonderful time. I once agreed to do a podcast that I hadn’t realized was on that particular podcast network. I should love the dark! I usually do! Except when I remember. It was daylight, which was good, because nighttime used to remind me of some bad things. I saw a bumper sticker for it on a car and I had to lay down for a few hours in my room. Sometimes I came across it accidentally and I would shake. I couldn’t hear the voices on that podcast or see the logo.

I didn’t want to shit on anyone’s good thing. Maybe it helps you to laugh or cry or sing along with whatever it is you adore. It can be a place to find genuine friends, not just because you like the same thing, but because you feel similar feelings. I know how it feels to be disappointed by an artist or artists you admire. Speaking up about this has been hard because it goes against things that feel ancient to me, modes of being that feel primal. But I realize now that by trying so fucking hard to build walls around myself against people who would say I was a stupid liar (or worse, try to hurt me or my loved ones) that I was also keeping out the people who could help me.Īlcoholics tend to isolate. I was shaking but reading it made me feel less scared somehow. I asked my mom to sit in the room with me while I read it. I worked with my 12 step program to feel safe and secure enough to read it. I did not see the story before it came out. Telling some of them felt like killing Santa Claus. I just didn’t want to bum my friends out. I never resented anybody for enjoying what was, by all accounts, a very fun program. I was not egotistical enough to think my own story could cause a disruption in the production of an extraordinarily popular project with which I have no relationship. I didn’t want to negatively affect the thing they loved. I kept my mouth shut for many reasons, one of which was that I didn’t want to disappoint fans of the podcast. I have chosen to hand the burden I have carried back to the one who gave it to me. I link it here with a trigger warning for abuse and alcohol addiction.

This edition of SARATONIN references an Octostory published by Rolling Stone.

Shut your mouth and save your life